I was soft... and now i'm not

And I think there are some lessons from my evolution that likely pertain to you.

The other evening my wife and i spent some time exchanging personal stories as has been our habit for some weeks now.

It basically helps us discuss things that are out of the daily boring routine. And so I use a chatgpt prompt like “give me some good conversation topics for me and my wife to discuss our past.”

This time one of the topics was talking about how we think we’ve changed since we met.

I met my wife in 2011 and we were married in 2013.

During those early years I was having a lot of chronic jaw, neck and back tightness… and saw myself as a ‘nice guy’. Which is also kind of how the world sort of saw me.

But that also meant that the world saw me as being a bit soft. Which I probably wouldn’t have agreed to at the time… but in hindsight I need to honestly admit that i was a bit soft.

And my wife even gave some examples of colleagues we had back then when we worked together in Groupon Ukraine in 2011-12 who kind of took advantage of me a bit. Because they probably also viewed me as being soft.

So it was an interesting reflection to think about how I’d interact with these personalities today because I do think it would be very different.

I don’t think i’m very soft today.

And yes probably everyone wants to think they got stronger in life… but I say that honestly and not in a completely good way.

I’m colder these days in many respects.

And today I wanna talk a bit more about this evolution because I do think a fair number of people doing this process will experience some version of this at some point in their journey.

Was I soft before?

That’s a question I wrestle with in my own head a bit.

Because I hadn’t had a very easy childhood in some respects.

I was a nerd in a public high school where in my early years I was picked on a fair bit. And would even have kids waiting for me after school sometimes to make fun of me and pick fights.

Then in college I went to a very competitive (Cornell) university where I busted my butt against very smart kids and managed to achieve the Dean’s list pretty much every semester.

And after college I also worked in the very competitive field of strategy consulting where I was often putting in 80 hour weeks.

Plus I’d travelled to ~90 countries by my mid-thirties and lived in ~10. Including living in places like Moscow and Kiev, which are a bit rough around the edges.

So my point is… I never liked to look at myself as being soft. I liked to think my varied life experiences had ‘hardened’ me.

But from an outsider’s perspective I think I still was soft to some degree.

Whenever I came up against a ‘strong’ personality I think they intuitively felt like they would get their way with me. And there were numerous examples along my career of that.

An example of where I was soft

In 2008-10 I was living in Moscow and working for the company Visa Inc.

I was one of the few foreigners in the office and I was brought in to start a new group in the office. Prior to that I’d always been a strategy consultant so this was the first time I was doing a more operational role.

And I remember it feeling very challenging as there were many strong personalities in the office.

When I had meetings with them I often found myself giving ground. Agreeing to the version of the decision that was closer to what the person with the strong personality wanted.

And I also remember that I was not great at handling conflict. I would sometimes take on a tone or demeanor that would result in a few colleagues ganging up on me.

Which at the time i’d put off to cultural differences and office politics… but in reality I think it more related to me.

They kind of saw me as a relatively soft person trying to get his way… and they weren’t havin’ it.

This became more clear when the company sent an American lady to the Moscow office to take a role that was a level above me the year after I left. I’d heard she’d had a lot of success getting everyone to fall into line because she had a very ‘strong’ personality.

And from my brief meetings with her… I indeed considered her to have a ‘strong’ personality, but also relatively mediocre intelligence.

Which frustrated me… as I didn’t want to have to spend my career/life reporting to people with stronger personalities.

I wanted intelligence and logic to reign…. because I always felt like I could hold my own in that department. Even with people far more senior than me.

My biomechanical “roller coaster” years

My roller coaster years came starting in 2014 when a Vietnamese TMJ dentist drilled my teeth down.

I fell apart within months… had thick brain fog such that I couldn’t retain any information in my head and felt like a hermit for close to six months.

I had to demote myself two levels on my job at the time and even then I felt like I was barely staying afloat.

I felt extremely ‘soft’. I basically tried to avoid any kind of conflict at all during that period.

Then I started to feel better a year later as I started dabbling with these biomechanics and was up and down for the next seven years until I figured this stuff out in late 2021.

I’d been through a lot during that period.

There were times that were extremely emotionally draining.

I’d moved my family from Vietnam to Boston to Moscow to Bangkok in order to start a better life… and failed each time because my health was yo-yoing the whole time.

But all of that yo-yoing did teach me one important thing… it taught me the neurological component of how these biomechanics worked.

I literally became a different person as I was improving.

More confident. More outspoken. More willing to engage in conflict and know that I could handle it fine.

This all set me up for where I am today.

I’m a different, stronger person today

Today I think I can honestly say i’m a very different person to the person I was my entire life.

I’m stronger without even thinking about it or making any special effort.

But i’m also colder.

I don’t feel emotion nearly as easy as I used to when I was younger. Perhaps partly because of the roller coaster I went through.. but it just feels more chemical/hormonal to me.

Like my body just stays pretty emotion-less even in stressful and conflict situations.

And I’m not the only one saying this… I literally think almost everyone in my inner circle would tell you the same thing (eg. my wife, my mother, my father, my brother, my friends, etc).

They would tell you that something changed about Ken these past years.

And a lot of what they would tell you probably wouldn’t even be good things… rather they’d probably talk about how i’m colder and more outspoken (in a bad way).

I, for example, have no problem delivering harsh news or disagreeing to someone’s face. Even if they have a strong personality.

In a way I even enjoy it.

Because i know that the way my neurology works now… I don’t feel any real repercussion from it later.

In my early years if i got into an argument it would drain me for hours and sometimes even days.

I’d dwell on the argument.. rehashing what I said and what I should have said.

Now I don’t do any of that shit… i literally know that i’ll be in a good mood and won’t think about it at all about ten minutes later.

And the thing is… my family has even realized this.

This is not some front or facade that they can crack thru… this is a new Ken. This mofo is here to stay! Hahahaha

My analysis

What i’ve kind of concluded from this evolution i’ve been through… is that having a ‘strong’ personality is not about being overly outspoken.

It’s not that you need to blast people with a loud voice and act aggressively.

Rather the key is simple…. you need to be able to:

1. control your emotions easily

2. demonstrate emotion easily when it serves your purpose, but without really feeling this emotion intensely (eg. I can easily shout and show anger strategically these days.. without feeling much emotion behind it)

3. not feel much emotion afterwards (because then you will try to avoid such situations in the future)

And that’s about it.

Do that… and you are gonna be one hard mofo to win an argument against.

Because you’ll just remain logical with a cool head as the other person loses it and succumbs to their emotions. Think about professional negotiators… and you’ll find that they are good at these three things i outlined above.

Also i learned that many people that knew you before won’t like this new you and will not want to accept it at first. They probably liked being able to manipulate you easier before.

But they will accept it with time.. if it is truly ‘natural’ to you. Which if you are diligent with this biomechanical process.. my experience is that it will be.

Closing thoughts

Some of you might be early on your journey and you’re thinking… “huh? Ken, what does this have to do with me?”

Perhaps your goal is widening your palate or straightening your teeth. Or fixing some chronic pains.

But with time… i think some of you will realize what I have.

That the real power is not improving your smile. It is the neurological stuff I’m talking about here. This is the stuff that changes the trajectory of your life for the better.

It it this stuff that allows you to rewrite the unwritten rules of all of your relationships in your favor.

And that is why… I quite honestly love talking about this stuff. Because it’s like a secret weapon for now.

Your average person will think what i’ve spoken about above to be BS for another couple decades… and as a result I plan on using it to sail right past them ;)