Driven by revenge against a faceless enemy

As you do this process and get stronger, you want to re-fight the battles you lost.

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Time for another more philosophical one.

It’s a feeling I have on an almost constant basis.

It’s like I have this massive chip on my shoulder and it drives me.

I think perhaps some of you will relate. If not now, then perhaps later in your journey.

You see I lived life by the textbook for many years.

I worked hard. Ate healthy. Did lots of exercise.

And regardless of that my health and my results in life flatlined early and then only got worse till I stumbled on these biomechanics.

But now that I understand how it works… I almost feel cheated.

I lost a lot of battles I could have won.

And I wanna re-fight them again now.

For years I fought a faceless enemy

I was a very driven guy when I was young.

I worked really hard in school and got good grades.

Worked really hard at sports like basketball and lacrosse, but regardless of how much I practiced I was only ok.

When I started working I was very driven and read tons of books on how to improve. Did lots of trainings. Thought I was gonna kill it and have my career zoom off.

But all of that resulted in me just being more or less on par with my peers. Not a standout.

Rather there were always others who seemed to get better results with less effort. And I didn’t get it.

They didn’t work harder… so I attributed it to better genetics or something.

But it was frustrating as hell.

Because inside I knew I had the metal to be better than them. My mind was wired for it. I was always very structured and disciplined. And ready to play the long game.

As a result I lost a lot of battles I should have won

While the main enemy was faceless there have been many actual faces over the years.

People that I competed against at my job. Or in other areas of my life.

And some of these battles I lost despite my best effort.

I remember the names and faces well.

They linger in my head. Taunting me like a nightmare that never goes away.

Because i wanted to destroy them in the field of battle.

But I couldn’t. They had a better combination of intelligence, communication skills, stamina, etc.

That was back then however.

I was in a biomechanical collapse that i didn’t understand. My back, neck and jaw were always tight. My voice was always very tight making it hard to be heard and making it a challenge to communicate effectively.

I was constantly fighting my own problems. Trying to do whatever it took.

Often that meant going for medical visits 2-3x a week. Other times it was taking powerful muscle relaxants that made me feel weird.

But it was like a ball and chain that slowed me down just enough to lose some of the most important battles of my adult life. The ones that could have led to my life and career taking off to a very different level.

Now that I’m coming back I want to refight those battles

These days I feel myself get stronger by the day for several years already

My energy, my drive, how fast I think and solve problems, etc.

I’m not 100% yet but i’ll get there. And even now I think i’d fight on a completely different level from how i did when i lost some of those battles in my past.

And I start remembering some of the old battles i lost in my past. Because I wanna fight them again as this new me.

I wanna see the look on the other’s person face as they see a very different beast facing them. One who no longer has the ball & chain dragging him back.

And is no longer fighting from his knees.

I imagine them starting out with cocky arrogance thinking they’ll defeat me again. But then over time starting to realize that this motherfucker just doesn’t seem to tire.

He doesn’t seem to falter very much when getting hit.

He just keeps charging forward with his sword going for their throat. Slashing and drawing more and more blood as I do.

And at some point they realize they’re gonna lose this time. Then the fear becomes visible on their face.

As I plunge them into defeat.

I’m coming for Rome this time

I overcame a lot during this past decade since a dentist drilled my teeth in 2014 and sent me into expedited biomechanical collapse.

That summer of 2014 was the hardest of my life. I had no ability to retain information, i’d turned into a hermit, my vision had gone dull, and I had to hold down a new job in this state.

All with my first newborn child on the way in a completely new country, Vietnam, where I had no support network.

I had to draw on every bit of reserve strength to make it through. But I did.

And then I stumbled numerous times in the years afterwards as I was trying to figure this stuff out.

I moved my family to Boston in hopes for a new life in 2017 only to have my health shatter this.

The same happened again when I moved my family to Russia in 2018 for a position that could have potentially been very lucrative. But my health decided it was not to be.

And it again happened in 2019 when I took a new job in Thailand, but my health destroyed my ability to function yet again. At some point I realized I couldn’t focus for more than ~5 minutes and was pretty neurologically damaged in late 2020.

I got hit hard each time. But each time I brushed myself off and got back up.

At some point taking damage got easy.

Then in late 2021 I figured this stuff out and have only been improving. Things only get easier for me.

Competing and winning seems to only get easier.

I feel like the Gladiator fighting from arena to arena on his way to Rome.

And with each battle he just sharpens his fighting skills.

Closing thoughts

I sometimes wonder what could i have done if I understood these biomechanics 20 years ago when I just graduated college.

Life would have been so much easier.

I would have won so many of the fights that i lost.

And i think if you’re doing Reviv for awhile you will start to understand what i’m talking about. And perhaps also reflect on this one day.

The good thing is that I don’t think there is any ‘clock’ per se. Meaning I don’t think humans actually age when you reverse these biomechanics.

And that means I still have plenty of time.

Plenty of time to live like a soldier with a chip on his shoulder.

One who is hungry for revenge to right past wrongs.

To let others know that they were not better than him. They were simply fighting him when he was on his knees.

But now this soldier is coming to set the record straight.

And one day, if you stick with this process, I think you will too.