Biomechanics and 'Insecurity'

What role does biomechanics play in making us feel insecure?

I was watching a show on Netflix recently called “The Monster of Florence” about an unidentified serial killer who murdered 16 people, primarily young couples, in the province of Florence, Italy, between 1968 and 1985.

The case remains one of Italy’s most notorious.

Anyway there is this one scene where a husband and wife are in their house and the wife goes into the bedroom. Then the guy that is renting a room with them follows her in as if to engage in intercourse.

And the husband is watching from the living room, but doesn’t have the guts to stop this other man. He is too insecure mentally and it kills him. He just cannot bring himself to confront this other guy.

It was a powerful scene and one that immediately reminded me of mid-2014.

You see that was when I was in the midst of going through my own miserable crisis after a TMJ dentist in Vietnam had shaved my back teeth down. I couldn’t retain information for months, my body and face were changing for the worse rapidly, and I felt like a hermit.

Meanwhile I’d only been married to my wife for less than a year and so in some respects we were still getting to know each other. Especially since we had just made this major move from Kiev to Saigon.

I want to breakdown what happened that year with a friend of ours that I thought was hitting on my wife as I think it has interesting implications.

The situation with our mutual friend

Near the apartment complex where we lived in Saigon we had made some expat friends that we would meet up with from time to time. And in one of those families was a guy that I ‘thought’ was hitting on my wife at the time.

I will keep him anonymous and in hindsight I do not actually think he ever had any bad intentions at all as he also had his own family. And as I got to know him more the years later I realized I think i’d interpreted him incorrectly.

But at the time my mind was in this downward spiral where I perceived threats everywhere. And he seemed to have a good rapport with my wife who i deemed to be far more attractive than his wife lol.

Meanwhile i felt like my ‘value’ as a husband was dropping off a cliff:

• I looked a lot worse because of how my ‘collapse’ had impacted my face and body

• I had become emotionally very weak

• I had just had to ask to be demoted two levels at my job to near entry level despite being age 37

• I felt like a hermit who had lost his ability to connect with others

And so I just felt like I was in a very vulnerable state.

I hated ever running into this person

We would end up running into this person a fair bit as they lived nearby and for awhile I sort of dreaded it.

As he would always chat with my wife a fair bit in a way that to me felt flirtatious. But I felt powerless to do anything about it.

My voice felt weak, my mind felt weak, my value as a husband felt weak.

And so I kind of felt like this husband from the Monster of Florence who watched his wife walk into the bedroom with this other man.

I was watching as some other man was seemingly hitting on my wife and doing absolutely nothing about it.

Because I knew if I said something to my wife… she would interpret it as me acting insecure.

And I couldn’t say anything to the guy because we weren’t that close and I figured he’d kind of laugh at me. Plus I knew that I would not be able to broach the subject in a way that would avoid conflict.

I’d completely lost my ability to dress things up in humor. Whereas humor had always been a knife that I’d wielded very well in conflict situations when I was younger.

So to conclude I felt like a wuss and I absolutely hated the feeling.

me and the fam visiting Japan in Fall 2024

Now I’ve changed

Fast forward a bunch of years to today.

I never feel like I even get close to situations like this anymore. And sure part of that is that my wife and I are now married for well over a decade, have a son together, and have gotten to know each other much more.

But I think it has more to deal with who I’ve evolved into.

My actual ‘nature’ is that I am usually not afraid of conflict if & when it occurs. In some respects I enjoy it. I don’t mind saying something that I know is going to piss someone off if I think they deserve it.

And I don’t mind when things are a bit uncomfortable when i’m around someone who I don’t like, or they don’t like me.

My neurology has improved a lot… and I no longer feel ‘vulnerable’.

Also, I have regained my ability to dress things up in humor so it gets hard for them to react to it negatively.

I often don’t even need to think about it.. i will just react to the person by saying something that is part funny, part abrasive. But will send the message of ‘back off’.

When you no longer feel vulnerable around others I find it opens you up to enjoying being with others much more. You feel more free. More spontaneous.

How I would probably handle the same situation today

If the same situation happened today I don’t think i’d hesitate to engage in a bit of conflict with whoever was flirting with my wife.

Without saying it directly I would let them know clearly that I didn’t appreciate whatever behavior they’d exhibited that I’d interpreted as flirtatious.

I’d probably also joke about it in a way that would let them know that I was paying attention.

But at the same time I don’t think I would come across insecure as I am far more confident of my value as a person now that I am healthy.

And at the end… if I wanted the person to stay away from me and my family I don’t think i would have any problem making that happen. I would probably make that person feel more uncomfortable around me than the other way around.

Or perhaps if the person got the message we’d even just become friends and forget the whole thing. Maybe we’d even become one of those swinger families.. hahaha kidding.

Closing thoughts

My point today is about insecurity. It is a horrible thing to feel in my experience.

And if you’ve experienced collapse the way I have, then there is a high likelihood that some of what I’ve said above resonated a bit.

Maybe you even feel insecure today.

But my message is that it is ok… you’re not condemned to feel this way for life.

And you most likely don’t need pills, or hundreds of hours of counseling, or anything like that.

You just need to fix the structural root cause.

Then at least in my experience… your insecurity starts to dissipate.